Lincolnshire Poacher is a hard, Cheddar-like English cheese. The texture is firm, brittle and crumbly, the colour golden-yellow, and the rind complex and variegated. It is an unpasteurised cow’s milk cheese. The packaging warns against consumption by those with weakened immune systems or the pregnant.

Phil and Pez assembled for an impromptu Grate My Cheese rating session on a crisp November day outside King’s College, Cambridge to put their immune systems and lack of pregnancy to the test.

Opening this cheese’s elaborate two-layer wrapping with only a wooden knife taken from M&S’s Meals to Go section was a challenge; once inside, the cheese’s hard, brittle texture meant rending by hand was preferable to using the knife. The outer layer’s packaging is a high-quality wax paper which goes some way to explaining the price. Overall this is undoubtedly a premium experience.

Phil: Cheeses combining high prices and health warnings always appeal, and this was no different. The fascinating rind and hard, crumbly texture suggested a serious cheese. The flavour was deep, complex, but a little underwhelming, comparable to a high-end Cheddar’s taste turned down to 7 or so. There is a lot of depth of flavour, including some Gruyeresque nuttiness, but the taste was not initially that strong.

We paired this cheese with M&S Crispy Cheese Crackers, and this was a catastrophic disaster. The crackers crushed this cheese beneath their onion-shod boot and left almost no trace of its complex flavour. An extremely mild cracker like a Carr’s water biscuit might fare better.

I suspect that the rating environment for this cheese (a windy November day with highs of 12 C) did not show this cheese off to best effect. If substantially warmer, more flavour would come through, and perhaps deliver on the upmarket promise of the hard, crumbly texture. What flavour is available is good, but the strength is a little disappointing.

Pez: The English writer G.K. Chesterton once remarked: “Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese”. If this is truly the case, perhaps they lacked the inspiration of Lincolnshire Poacher’s spectacular rind – a rich patchwork of gold and brown enhanced by blooms of no fewer than 3 species of mould. The cheese itself, “produced in partnership with our Holstein cows”, is hard and crumbly. First taste reveals a moderate to strong flavour that ignites the tip of the tongue. Subsequent tastings reveal a barn-like aftertaste that satisfies our subconscious yearning for the agrarian ideal. A worthwhile addition to any cheese night; I would buy again.

Phil rated this cheese 7.5 and Pez 8, for an average score of 7.8.

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