For many long months, I have lain awake at night pondering the relative merits of two extremely similar cheeses: Tesco Finest Époisses and Tesco Finest Langres. Now, at last, they meet head-to-head on the glorious arena of the Tesco Soft Bovine Board group stages.

We leave behind the limpid lagoons and tideless Mediterranean waters of the selection of Brie in Group 1, and voyage into the storm-wracked, wind-torn flavour oceans of washed-rind cheeses. These cheeses are washed during maturation, either with brine or, in the case of something like Époisses, with brandy, promoting the growth of bacteria. That gives these cheeses a tendency to smell like a densely-packed barn at the height of summer, to taste rich, farmy and meaty, and to feel soft, silky but just a little bit disturbingly wet and oozing. Most washed-rind cheeses have a much worse nasal bark than lingual bite. If you can get past the pungent stench and concerningly brain-like exterior, there is a lot to enjoy here.

We first tried these cheeses after a prolonged warming period to let their full flavour develop. This led to a rather punishing sensory experience akin to a sweat-drenched rave in a second-hand-walking-boot shop. On a subsequent day we tried them after only 45 minutes out of the fridge, and that was much less intense but overall less enjoyable.

It was interesting to observe that, while in my view pretty much all of these cheeses are tastier in an absolute sense than the Brie of Group 1, they are a lot more hassle to eat, being sloppy, messy, and somewhat involved to extract from their packaging; as a result I was much less motivated to snack on them. We tried these cheeses spread on sourdough bread, on standard calibration oatcakes, with Tesco’s Rosemary Crackers and later Sea Salt Crackers, on Holly’s wheat crackers (which were delicious) and Holly’s Sweet Chilli Crackers (which were dubious).

Langres (Tesco Finest)

Marginally the strongest of these cheeses, and also – after a lot of careful deliberation – the least pleasant. This is quite similar to the Époisses, but with a marked sour aftertaste which we didn’t appreciate. This has a great creamy texture, but so does the Époisses, and the taste here is a little worse, especially the aftertaste. When eaten straight from the fridge (which is no way to appreciate these cheeses) the stronger flavour of this cheese is an asset, but when enjoyed at the temperature of a gently-perspiring summer-time cow as nature intended, it’s a little too ripe and sour.

Pié d’Angloys

Baby’s first washed-rind cheese, this is perfectly pleasant taken on its own merits as a creamy cheese but a little dull in this illustrious company. If you want a cheese that tastes like the underside of a heifer – and that’s probably why you’re eating washed-rind cheeses – then this is rather insipid and disappointing. After a prolonged warming period, it develops a fairly strong barny smell and a luxurious soft spreadable texture, but retains a creamy and fairly mild taste in spite of the stench. On bread and simple crackers this was pretty enjoyable as a mildish cheese; the experience is a little confusing as it still has quite an intense, ripe scent, which may put cheese novices off. When given too little time to warm, it was very dull and bland. We had M&S Pie d’Angloys on the Christmas cheeseboard and that didn’t impress; here we made more effort to let it warm thoroughly and develop its full flavour, and in such conditions it did quite well, but was a little bit too buttery and bland.

Époisses (Tesco Finest)

Having eaten this many times previously we expected this to do well, and weren’t disappointed. An intense farmyard stench belies a surprisingly smooth, creamy flavour, and a great silky-soft texture. The taste is a shade milder than the Langres (defying conventional wisdom about the relative strengths of these cheeses). Critically, while it still has a full-bodied flavour, it lacks the sour aftertaste which marred our experience with Langres.

This versatile cheese performed particularly well spread on bread, where its strong flavour lets it hold its own, but it also did well on thin crackers. This cheese was best when allowed to warm and develop maximal flavour, but still impressed with less careful preparation.

Accompaniments

We maintained a tall biscuit strategy anchored around a great Tesco discount on Holly’s upmarket cheese biscuits. This time we tried Holly’s Sweet Chilli Crackers but these were pretty underwhelming; the wheat version still impressed. Keep the underlying biscuit substrate but lose the sweet chilli flavour, and we reckon Holly’s would have a cracker of a product on their hands. Unexpectedly impressive were Tesco’s own Sea Salt Crackers. The simple addition of “more salt” to cheese is a timeless design classic; in the previous group stage the salt and pepper equivalent was a mediocre match for the Brie, perhaps because of too much pepper overwhelming such mild cheeses. For all these crackers, with Époisses and especially with Langres, the key to maximal enjoyment is to spread the cheese fairly thinly. Overlading not only increases the risk of biscuit fractures (always awkward in company), but also leads to an excessively farmy taste; a thinner cheese layer leads to a much more well-rounded experience. The best match for these cheeses was bread, where their stronger flavour let them cope well with a thicker doughy base.

Verdict

Époisses and Langres were extremely similar in appearance, texture and flavour. The Langres was a little stronger, and this would normally put it in a strong position with these reviewers; however, the extra strength was paired with a rather unpleasant strong aftertaste. Both these cheeses do a similar thing, but the Époisses does it a lot more likeably. The Pié d’Angloys is competing in a different arena, being much milder and more buttery. This was actually pretty enjoyable, and we did think this version beat out the M&S equivalent, but overall the more genteel taste is just less interesting. Époisses will go through to the final round.

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