33 types of chocolate milk

Arguably, chocolate milk is not a cheese. However, anyone who’s read 30+ cheese reviews is probably at least an interested observer of the wider dairy landscape, so this article may be of relevance. There is a surprising and dismaying lack of comparisons of nearly all chocolate milks available in the UK; this piece aims to resolve that. Here, we compile a relatively exhaustive resource, rating over 30 unique milks (some of them multiple times).

We resolved to sample essentially all the widely-available consumer chocolate milks. This mission sprawled over around 3 months; we usually rated 3-4 milks at a time, regularly refreshing with “benchmark” milks like Yazoo. High-ranking milks were assessed multiple times. After a bad experience with Shaken Other early on, we rejected milks that didn’t come out of a cow (and we sadly found no evidence for chocolate goat’s milk). We rather arbitrarily excluded “sports milks”, but did include a few milk powders. The only major supermarket we didn’t reach was Morrison’s.

This saga began, as all good tales do, in a small corner shop in Waterbeach. While passing through to buy a Mars milk, Phil (who had considered himself a fairly serious authority on chocolate milk) was astonished to observe 6 hitherto-unseen Nestle chocolate milks. Classics like Yazoo and Frijj are of course names on everyone’s lips, but just how many different milks does the UK market support? Are there any hidden gems which even avid chocolate milk consumers are unaware of? We resolved to find out.

Results are divided into three tiers. As with actual milk, ideally aim to sup only gold-top tier chocolate milks; blue-top tier milks will suffice in a pinch.

Skimmed Tier

Blue-top Tier

Gold-top Tier

Skimmed Tier

Bounty Milk Drink 1.5/1.5 (Phil/Pez) Exceptionally unpleasant in all ways. A weird combination of a really thin and watery texture and flavour, which was also quite strongly coconutty. I would never try this again.

Yazoo Choc-hazelicious 3/4 Can you name something with an artificial hazelnut flavour that is actually enjoyable? Exactly.

Hazelnut is a horribly sickly, cloying flavour – a poor match for a mass market sweetened chocolate milk. Vastly worse in every respect than the workhorse milk of Yazoo Chocolate.

Crusha Chocolate Milkshake Mix 4.5/2.5 We went to almost absurd lengths to obtain this milkshake mix. Seemingly some devastating supply chain crunch had removed it from all supermarket shelves nationwide. We eventually found it online, where it was only possible to purchase large bottles at absurd expense.

That was unfortunate as the resulting drinking experience was poor. Crusha is mixed with actual milk, but its chocolate flavour is simply rather weird. It is exceptionally sweet, and has a curious berry-like taste we couldn’t place but didn’t enjoy at all. It doesn’t actually taste that much of chocolate, and it’s not clear that just instead drinking plain milk as the cow intended might not be better.

We have given this a harsh rating as we went to a lot of effort to obtain its very unpleasant flavour. That said, the versatility is a distinct upside. In particular, a 500 ml bottle will last for a very long time, and can be used to enjoy a chocolate milkshake at any time of the day or night. We did eventually grind through the bottle.

Delamere Dairy Chocolate Milk 4/4 This was a benchmark milk to compare the initial batch of Mars-and-friends milks that kickstarted this adventure. However it falls far short of even most supermarket milks. An unpleasant, insipid, watery taste.

Snickers Milk Drink 3.5/5.5 Strongly nutty, which, it turns out, is not an enjoyable flavour in a milk. This gained a point for its quite realistic Snickers-like taste, which demonstrates how unpleasant that actual taste is.

Quick Milk Magic 7/3.5 Highly divisive as not really a chocolate milk. Instead, this is a straw that you drink conventional milk through, and it turns it chocolatey.

I enjoyed this quite a lot, primarily thanks to the skill-based aspect it added to drinking milk. If you master “cycling” the milk up and down the straw before imbibing it, you can make it quite surprisingly chocolately, and the flavour is fairly high-quality, perhaps because the underlying milk has not been extensively treated. It therefore feels quite wholesome and natural in comparison to most products on the list. Obviously, you must only attempt this with blue-top or creamier milk. Pez was less convinced, but perhaps less adept at “cycling”.

Chocomel 5.5/5 A Netherlands import I drank many times as a child; sadly even nostalgia could not elevate this milk’s rather unpleasant, strongly UHT taste. The classy can looks intended to add a touch of upmarket appeal, but the underlying milk has a strongly processed flavour.

Twix Milk Drink 7/4 One of the more divisive of the Mars-likes.  I was quite impressed by its relatively realistic, if sickly, caramel-chocolate flavour – this did feel quite like drinking a rather thin and sweet Twix.

Maltesers Milk Drink 4/7.5 Incredibly malty. I don’t much like malt, so I didn’t much like this. I can admire the sheer density of malt they packed into this though.

Blue-top Tier

Sainsburys Chocolate Milk 6/6 Own-brand chocolate milks are all extremely similar. They are uniformly competent but unexciting. They have a standard texture and generic sweet chocolate taste. Sainsburys do a brownie-flavoured milk, which is a lot more interesting.

Asda Chocolate Milk 6/6 Another supermarket chocolate milk.

Co-op Chocolate Milk 6/6.5 Another supermarket chocolate milk.

Nesquik Chocolate Powder 6/6.5 Rather than simply a milk to drink from a bottle, this is a full milk-construction experience, similar to the Cadbury Chocolate Milk Powder. However, unlike that powder, the taste here is a lot more dubious – distinctively Nesquik, which actually turns out to be a little unpleasant.

Milky Way Milk Drink 6.5/6.5 Not bad as Mars-like milks go. The flavour is not too strong and distinctive – I probably wouldn’t recognise this as Milky Way without the aggressive branding.

Shaken Other 6.5/7 Not actually a milk as the substrate comes out of the base of a coconut rather than the base of a cow. We imbibed this only to do a side-by-side comparison with the formidable Shaken Udder. This motivated us to never again try coconut milks. Vastly worse than the cow-based variant; that said Shaken Udder is so good that even this inferior version is reasonable.

Marks and Spencer Chocolate Milk 6.5/7 This milk is a little more expensive than the other standard supermarket entrants; quite likely, the upmarket pricing has tricked us into upping the rating, even though the taste is pretty much on par with the other milks.

M&S also sell Belgian Chocolate Milk in the lunch section, and that milk is actually outstanding.

Yazoo 6.5/7  A near-legendary workhorse milk. Widely available in a variety of sizes. Thanks to some curious quirk of supply chain logistics, 1 L bottles of Yazoo were the only item in the corner shop near our school that were aggressively discounted without fail, selling for 69p. I averaged approximately 3 per week; this perhaps explains a lot.

One interesting result from our milk rating saga is that Yazoo is not actually that good. We tried it multiple times in various contexts as a baseline milk and it frequently underperformed. It’s quite chocolately and not too sickly, but the flavour itself is distinctive but not all that pleasant.

Cadbury Chocolate Milk Powder 7/6.5 An interesting alternative to buying supermarket milks. This powder is actually pretty good; it makes a competent chocolate milkshake from standard (blue-top) milk.

This has quite a few advantages over buying bottled milkshakes. It is extremely cost-effective (one pot makes a lot of portions, and the milky bulk is far cheaper per unit volume than chocolate milks), convenient to drink at home, and flexible – you can easily adjust the amount you add to the milk to make it weaker or stronger. Of course, you will want to add substantially more than the recommended quantity for a full-bodied chocolate milk flavour. Finally, it feels substantially healthier than most bottled chocolate milks – the body of the drink is actual milk (which is probably pretty healthy, right?) and while the powder of course introduces artificial additives, these are low-volume.

The flavour is decent but not outstanding, but it accomplishes this without a large quantity of dubious additives. We were moderately impressed.

Chocolate Caramel Yazoo 6.5/7.5 We had high hopes for this milk and were crushingly disappointed. Frankly it was not really any different to conventional chocolate Yazoo, and it’ d be hard to tell the difference.

Waitrose Essentials 7/7 The fancy branding and substantially higher price point led us to inflate the score, but is this really much better than the Tesco or Asda equivalent generic milk? Not much.

Galaxy 7/7 Queen-consort of the Mars-like milks, reigning in triumph along the Mars himself. Actually a moderately enjoyable, if extremely sweet and sickly, standard milk.

Tesco Chocolate Milk 6.5/8 Not entirely clear why the rating is significantly higher than other supermarket milks. Maybe this milk really is a bit better; maybe the price is very competitive; maybe we were put in a favourable from of mind by the Tesco brownie milk (which we drank alongside this).

Mars 8/6.5 Glorious reigning king of the Mars-likes. Not quite as sickly as Galaxy but still really sweet. Conventional rather than thick texture. Distinct notes of caramel and deep overtones of chocolate.

Jude’s 7.5/8 With its classy can and “hipster ice-cream” branding (and corresponding price point), we had high expectations of this milk which were largely not met. It’s pretty tasty but rather generic; it doesn’t taste too artificial, isn’t too sweet, and has a rather standard texture and flavour. The non-resealable can is just annoying, though needing to close and transport a chocolate milk is seldom an issue for us. Perhaps this is a slight cut above the run-of-the-mill milks – or perhaps this is just the pleasing can aesthetics talking.

Tesco Brownie 7.5/8 Supermarket brownie milks are an interesting twist on the conventional chocolate flavour, and we feel superior in most ways. The flavour is more distinctive and interesting, substantially sweeter, and really does feel like a brownie distilled into a milk bottle. Conventional smooth texture and flavour. These can be a little sickly, but you get a large volume for a great price.

Frijj Chocolate Fudge Brownie 9.5/6 Far sweeter and more sickly than Frijj Chocolate. For many years, this milk was a firm favourite thanks to its extremely thick texture and very strong, sweet taste.

As we age, we find colours seem less bright, sounds less sharp; winters for sure are colder than they used to be. But worst of all, Frijj CFB is less enjoyable to drink than when we were younger men. I am still keen for that absurdly sweet, thick sugary hit; these days, Pez is no longer so willing. This retains Frijj’s exceptionally thick lustre but is a great deal sweeter.

Gold-top Tier

Sainsbury’s Brownie 8/8.5 The only supermarket own brand milk to force its way through the thick creamy layer of the gold-top tier. Possibly we are over-valuing this because it comes in large bottles for a low price. Is it as good as Cocio? In hindsight that idea seems rather stupid.

That said, this is a pretty good brownie milk, much better than the standard chocolate version. Usual texture, but quite rich and sweet without being overbearing. Substantially more artificial-tasting than the back-to-nature tastes of Cocio; also vastly cheaper.

Classic Cocio 8/8.5 Cocio milks were a rare and exciting novelty which shook up our jaded palettes. We sourced them from a larger Sainsbury’s, which had a thorough selection, but be warned they are not readily available in other supermarkets. They have a pleasing glass bottle and a straightforward but delicious flavour. Easy to drink and rather wholesome-feeling; not too sugary, quite chocolatey and rich, but relatively natural in taste. They contain few artificial ingredients, and this does show in the taste, which is simple but enjoyable. A downside of the absence of additives is the necessity of shaking the bottle rather thoroughly, but this merely builds anticipation for the milk-drinking experience to come.

Dark Chocolate Cocio 9/8.5 The dark chocolate version is, as expected, slightly more chocolatey but less sweet than the classic version. For some reason, the milk has a rather dubious smell, a little like the UHT of Chocomel, but the taste is much less artificial and pretty high-quality.

M&S Belgian Choc Milk 9/8.6 A startling shooting star blazing brightly across the dairy firmament. The main M+S chocolate milk is disappointingly generic and mediocre given its higher price point. This Belgian Chocolate Milk is found in the sandwich section and comes only in very small bottles; sadly this greatly inflates the price as you will certainly need to drink quite a few bottles to be satisfied.

This is unexpectedly excellent – strongly reminiscent of Shaken Udder. A rich but not overly sweet chocolate flavour, and a smooth, luxurious texture. By a large margin the best of the supermarket milks – all it needs is substantially bigger bottles.

Mint Chocolate Cocio 9/9 An excellent twist on the conventional “add chocolate to milk” approach adopted by most contenders in this article. Mint-flavoured products are often rather artificial-tasting; this avoids that trap while also escaping the medicinal taste of mint teas. A well-balanced mint flavour which makes this milk rather refreshing and tasty.

Shaken Udder 9/9 A formidable challenger which has soared straight into the premier league of milk. We were so overawed by SU’s meteoric ascent to the pinnacles of milkhood, we tried it many times in diverse situations, environments and weathers and it always impressed. The bottle is a pleasing udder-like shape which is both effective branding and satisfying to grip and suckle from. For unclear reasons a 300ml option is available; you don’t need us to tell you that you should always pick the 900 ml bottle, which is satisfying hefty. Be wary of consuming it too rapidly and overloading your body’s ability to process lactose, with predictably disastrous results. The flavour is very chocolatey and rich, but not excessively sweet; the texture slightly thick but not on a par with Frijj.

Frijj Chocolate 10/10 Immortal God-Emperor of chocolate milks. At a conservative estimate we have between us drunk, at a minimum, two hundred kilograms of Frijj milkshake since 2005. In one memorable undergraduate term I sent a picture to Muller Dairies of the 35-bottle Frijjamid I’d built from 8 weeks of discarded bottles; alas they were not that impressed and offered only lukewarm congratulations rather than grant a lifetime supply. Therefore, we knew upfront this milk was going to be good. However, we entered this milk rating season with an open mind and we were fairly seriously committed to finding the Frijj-killer.

That upstart never emerged. Cocio and Shaken Udder were noble contenders, with a shock entry by M&S. But as the ultra-thick, deep, rich silk of Frijj Chocolate slid down our respective gullets, we looked each other in the eye, we nodded, and we knew. This venerable titan of the dairy industry simply cannot be bettered.

This is an extremely thick, very chocolatey milk. The thickness is a large part of the appeal; the flavour is also quite nicely balanced, not too sugary but still satisfying sweet. The experience is rich and luxurious. Even Shaken Udder tasted a little insipid by comparison.

When we were younger men, we swore by Frijj Chocolate Fudge Brownie. As our palettes have matured, we would now veer to the less sickly, deeper and richer flavour of standard Frijj Choc.

The hunt for a better milk continues…